A little bit of everything thats new in my life!

Well I haven't been on here in forever lol..well actually I almost forgot I had this thing lol!But anyways you know how people say life can change everyday in the blink of an eye?well I usest to not believe that when people wpuld say it but here recently I have learned that it is very true and can happen! My life has changed very dramatically in the past few months and I will not lie..it really freaking sucked!!First me and kyle broke up..why is only between me and him and no one else!Everything just seemed to hit fast and hard after that..I hit rock bottom..and when I say rock bottom I literally mean that!I went from haviong this really great wonderful life..well I thought it was wonderful..to having a reall y hard time..and let me tell you it was rough..I was to the point I couldn't eat anthing without getting sick and I would sleep maybe two hours at night and thats it..I was so depressed and stressed out that I couldn't keep myself together..but i knew I had to keep smiling everytime Sydney would look at me because I knew if I didn't she would realize mommy was sad. It took me more than two weeks to finally get back on my feet..I was slowly climbing back up the ladder..you know oyu think life is so grand and that nothing can go wrong until it does!
But now its been a few months and I'm finally at a point where I can smile once again without having to fake it!I know I would of never made it back up the ladder from rock bottom if it hadn't been for my sister Candice and my wonderful best friends Shannon!These two ladies saved me when I needed saved the most!!!!Even though me and Kyle are not together I will not lie!!!I still ove him with all my heart and hope that one day we can be the family that we usest to be..not just for Sydneys sake but for our own sakes!He was the love of my life and he will always have my heart,but for now I want nothing but the best and for him to be happy with life!Sydney goes and stays with him and her aunt tt every monday night!!!

Sydney and her daddy!!!
I admit life is very different not living in Springdale with Kyle and Tiff..I( miss it everyday but i'm doing what i must to keep my head up for me and Sydney.I miss seeing those two everyday but this is the way it must be right now!

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Shannon Faye and I!!This girl has been there for me through thick and thin!!!We have been best friends for almost four years now and I wouldn't know what to do without her!!She's done so much for me in the past few much and I love and thank her for that!!!


SYDNEY JOY!!!!THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN MY LIFE!!!This little lady will always be #1 in my life!She keeps me going every single day..she is growing so fast..she will be 7 months the 8th of november!!She learns new things every single day! lol she has found her a best friend..which is my besties nays little lady Ryliegh Deneah!!!they are exactly to 3 months apart to the date!Sydney is becoming a mean lil bougar lol ..she's learned to punch and pinch and yell..lol this little girl is my all..I would fight,die and hurt anyone that ever hurts her or tries to take her form me!!She's mine and her daddys world!!!
well I guess thats all I can let you guys in on for now!

So much has changed!!

Okay so I haven't gotten on here in a while so I figured I should update everyone on the huge amount of changes we have had!!We've had alot change in the past month and let me tell you it definitly changed for the better not the worst!We finally had our beautiful baby girl!!!She is truly a gift from God!!

Sydney Joy Thomas, she weighed 6 lbs. and 12 ozs....She was simply beautiful from the moment she arrived!Alot of things have changed since she arrived..we've learned to sleep when she sleeps lol we're on her time now not ours!She makes us smile so much, I love watching her sleep because she smiles in her sleep all the time and its so cute lol. Kyle started back to work a few weeks ago, he took two weeks off to spend time with us! It's so amzing knowing that we have our own little family, Sydney has completed us in every way and I wouldn't trade her for the world!

Sydney spitting up on her aunt TT..lol oh it was classic lol!!I'm really thankful that we have tiff there with us also..she's experienced everything with us, even the birth of Sydney lol! She helps us out so much with watching her!

Sydney with her daddy..lol he always talks for her when she makes her funny faces,lol its so cute to watch.She looks so much like Kyle did when he was a little baby!well she will be a month old Friday and its so hard to believe how big she has gotten within just one month!!!I can't wait until she can smile when we play and look at us so much clearer!!She's truly a blessing!

Aww..I love hims so much!

Today has been actually a pretty good day for me. I actually got to spend times with my babys!! I love the fact that he's home during the evenings now..even though I get scared when I am home alone at night but I'm finally getting usest to it! It also will work out better for when Sydney finally arrives too because he will be home with us during the days and get to see her just as much as me! Kyle makes me so happy and makes me laugh so much lol :), I don't think i've ever laughed this much in a long time! lol some of the things he does and says just cracks me up..like the way he breaks out in these really goofy dances at random moments when were doing stuff! AHH..I just don't know what I would do without hims! I also started on my maternity leave today which I really hesitated on doing but know with only nine days left until my due date it's better to take it than be at work and my water break! But I started stressing this morning on the way home because I have my insurance to pay next week and no money for it and I don't want Kyle or anyone else to worry about my stuff when they have so much to worry about already! I can't wait until she's here and I can spend the time with her and then after my 6 weeks or maybe even less than that get back to work so I can take care of my own things! Me and Kyle both realize we're about to hit a really rough spot in life and I admit the next month is goping to be harder than ever but I know and he knows to that no matter what we will be fine! We alweays make it through!

MIne and Kyle's day out!

Well me and kyle had a doctors appiontment wenesday and it went really good I guess..still no baby but I am pretty sure the way I have been feeling she will be here soon! We are both so excited and can't wait until she is finally here, I am almost 39 weeks and let me tell you..ahh it's horrible! I stay hot all the times and I literally have to roll off the couch to get up if i'm laying down. It takes me a while to get up the stairs now too..lol kyle laughs at me when I run out of breath trying to wrestle with him :) but I still love him! I have never been so happy in my life, he's my other half and wihtout him I wouldn't be me's. We decied after the appointment to go to hte Gentry zoo which was alotta fun..we both needed to get out of the house for awhile and just relax!

This was the most annoying animal there..lol they kept coming up to our windows and staring at them selfs through it lol.!!

flashback...man don't you just love those..lol..

Well today was a very rough day today but it was good in the end..lol...me and kyle went to pick up afriend and on the way down there I kept getting flashbacks of the way things were before I got back with kyle and started having a life again, and let me tell you those are the flashbacks I don't want to have anymore..I had a moment where I was thinking about when I lived in bell with my friends and a guy I really didn't want to be with but for some reason I chose him over kyle. I realize I only went with him because he could get me out of the home I was in with my mom and get me started on my road of freedom which don't get me wrong was awesome and I loved every minute of the freedom, except the part of waking up every morning next to this guy that I didn't even love the way I love kyle..he was simply just too much for me to want to be with him. I remember every time he would go out on the road to work for a week at a time I was at my happiest because I could go out alone with my bestie and we could do whatever we wanted without them knowing. I remember one week in december they left out and I got a letter from Kyle the day of his 19th birthday telling me exactly how he felt..that he still cared and wanted to be with me, lol I remeber sitting in english class reading that note over and over again because I couldn't believe it! lol I knew right than that I wasn't where I really wanted to be in my life! I finally made the right decision and followed my heart the way I should of in the first place, and now I have the greatest life I could want! I have an amazing boyfriend and a little girl on the way and I know that it was meant to be this way... I know in the end that God always leads us in the right direction and we always end up in the right place no matter how long it takes us to get there!

She's almost here!

Well I haven't posted anything since the baby shower so I thought I would give an update..I am finally 35 weeks pregnant and she is almost here!!!I really can't wait anymore, I really want to meet her face to face..

This is the 3-d image of her face form a week ago..she's going to look like me in the face..but I know she is going to have her daddys pretty lips! She is going to be very beautiful and I know that we are excited to meet her. We have decided were going to start taking our stuff with us to every appiontment from here on out since we are getting so close and I have no idea how much longer we will have, It's simply up to her now..mommy has no control lol. I can't wait until she finally gets here and we get to hold her for the first time!

TOMORROW IS A BIG DAY FOR TWO REASONS!!

WELL....tomorrow is a really big day for a very important reasons! FIRST OF ALL... it is !BAMS! BIRHTDAY!! How could I be so selfish and plan an event on my brothers birthday!! He will be 20 years old tomorrow and instead of celebrating it with us down here he will be in heaven with God celebrating it!




Being here without him is really different now knowing that we won't get to party with him ever again or have him blow out birthday candles ever again!I pray that everyone will be careful when out at his graveside tomorrow night partying it up..I hope to go out there before everyone else and just hve a alone moment with him before I leave stilwell..I am scared to even think about going back to his grave again to talk to him! It always seemed like when we needed someone to talk to the most he was always right there to hear us out! Just like a teddy bear to break our falls whenever we would break down and cry..I will never forget the last night that just me and him alone stayed up until it was daylight just talking and laughing away the night..we locked ourselves in the room and hid from everybody just to get away from the noise..seemed like he always had the anwsers to the problems I had..he saved me when nobody else could..he was truly an angel. And now it's his first birthday that he won't be here for us to celebrate it face to face with him which breaks my heart! I looked at his picture earlier I wanted to just scream but I knew that he wouldn't want to see tears rolling down my cheeks..he would wanna see a big smile on my face instead!HAPPY BIRHTDAY BROTHER!!!THE MEMORY OF YOU WILL FOREVER BE IN MY HEART AND WILL FOREVER GO ON..I WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR SMILE OR THE WAY YOU USEST TO DO YOUR GOOFY DANCE WHEN YOU THOUGHT NOBODY WAS WATCHING YOU LOL..I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
Also tomorrow is our very first baby shower for Sydney Joy and I am actually nervous because I want it to go smoothly with no problems at all..I hope alot of people will actually show up and be there to celebrate her coming into this world soon! She is truly a blessing from God..everyday I can feel her kick and move around lol..she makes me smile all the time when we haven't even met face to face yet!! I LOVE IT!! AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SHE ARRIVES AND I GET TO HOLD HER AND SEE HER FOR THE FIRST TIME!I know it will be a rough day for my family but I know everything will work out just fine..for both reasons!

Just....I don't know!

Today is Valentine's day and for some reason it's a different kind of valentines day than the rest I have had. I have gained new love for people and I have lost some to God who took some of the ones I love..Like my bubba ..I wish he was still here all the time and I think no one can know the type of heartache you carry on your heart until they have actually lost a sibling they loved and adored so much..I thought hte other night when me and kyle went to the hospital how much I do dread having sydney..just because I really wanted my whole family there and I wont' have that now that Shane is gone and I wish he was still her..but than I realized that he WILL be there with us all..I know we won't be able to see him but I know when she arrives he will be looking down on us and will see how beautiful she is and how much we all miss him! Me and Kyle the other night went out to the movies which was fun because it was somehting we had been needing to do for a while now! It put us both in a really good mood and I was VERY HAPPY becuase it was just a night of me and him! lol..he is truly one person that makes me super duper happy and I know that he will be a good daddy..lol he cracks me up..especailly when he goof off like in this picture..

lol he always makes me smile which I love to death!!I know that life will only get better from here on out ..and yeah we may have some troubling times through this journey we call life but I know we will be fine!

Finally figuring things out..

Well today was a really rough day at first but I am glad to say it worked out for the best.Me and kyle ending up having to go to the doctor today because I have been having some serious pains. Come to find out our little girl could be ready to meet us sooner than we thought lol!I know I still have 8 weeks befroe my actual due date but I believe she is going to grace us with her presence sooner than that. She is a very healthy baby which makes me happy because it let's me know the things I have been doing weren't harming her but simply making it easier for her to get here.I can't wait to meet her and see what she looks like for the first time..:) I know she will be a very pretty little girl and will take after both me and her daddy...she just needs to give us a few more weeks that way we can get ready for her arrival, for instance we still have to get the baby bed and carseat and pretty much everyhting and have our baby showers so we will definatly be ready when she gets here!I can feel her move around all the time now and sometimes I will just lay in bed late at night and play with here and see how hard she will kick me. I know she can hear my vioce and everybody else now, Especailly her daddys and her aunt tiffanys vioce since we are always around each other.She has a lot of people waiting patiently to meet her and I am definatly the biggest fan of hers lol..I just hope she doesn't hurt her mama when she is coming out lol...I wanna endure the pain for her but I don't want it to be brutal. I know that in the end It will al work out for the best!

A stressful week..But I won't let it bring me down!

So this past week has been pretty darn stressful and really hard to cope with in alot of ways.Kyle, Tiffany, and me moved into our new two bedroom townhome and I love it but I admit it was a very stressful move for us all. I love living with both of them and I am so glad that Tiffany will not be alone here in springdale living by herself..that part really scared me because I know it gets lonely ya know, but I'm glad she lives with us and we can be assure that she is okay everyday now! My best friend Shannon finally had her baby, She had a little girl and named ger Ryleigh Deneah Miller! It's so crazy to call her a mommy because we are so young still and I can remember like it was just yesterday..me and her walking through the halls in high school talking about how cool and wierd it would be if we were both to become mommy's at the same time and how exciting it would be. Which is crazy because last May When we graduated she found out she was already a month pregnant and didn't realize it lol, and then just a few months later I found I was and it seemed like everyhting we imagined was happening to us lol! I went to Stilwell last sunday to see her and the baby since I hadn't got to yet and I ran into some old friends..and now I wish I hadn't even went all the way into Stilwell because know I regret it because it has caused me some problems. And I know I desreved to be bitched I for not remebering to tell that I had seen them but I honestly didn't remember after I went and seen Shannon and the baby!But I have just learned to let it go and I wish that nobody would bring it up agian because I already hate myself for it and really doubt i will ever wanna go to that town again!I mean I told the truth and I have nothing to hide about it and I hope that people will believe me instead of believing what they hear from others.I have a baby on the way that will be here in two months and I seriously don't have time to stress over something like that, I already stress every damn day about how I will be able to help Klye and tiffany out now since I barely even work except for maybe four days a week and how I can still make enough each week to pay my personal things without having to ask for help. I have so much on my mind here lately and I don't want to lose one of the three most important people in my life because of all of this shit.All I know is I am tired of stressing so much so I am just going to stop worrying so much about it and just let it take care of itself the way it usually does because in my opinion that is all I can do really.

"Cherish what you love the most..for one day it will be gone."

Sadness over whelms my heart at times...I get that lonely feeling now at moments because I know you are gone forever...When I am alone at times for a plit second I drown myself in tears staring at pictures of you knowing that I can not bring you back..I know this is a test from God to see how strong we really are...He wants us to see how precious life really is and how much we should cherish the moments we have for all we know in a split second someone we know and love can be taken from us in the blink of an eye...some say it is us merely being punished when the one's we love are being taken from us..except I believe each time a loved one passes on it is a lesson given to us from God...We learn somehting new each time..I have learned that we must be strong and brave for the sake of others around us..that if we need to cry..cry when others are not around so nobody see's your weakness except for you and the Lord above..I have learned over the years to hide my pain from others and to smile when it is needed..Although the one's we love will one day pass on and leave us behind here on earth..we must remember to always tell them how much we love them and care for them..I realize now thats the one thing I lacked and now it is too late to tell them face to face just how much I loved them...I can only tell them in my dreams..Cherish the people in your life you care for the most.. there's a reason they are in your life!

Moments where things get rough..but the best is yet to come"

Well today started out as a very rough day between me and Kyle but we eventually worked things out. We stress so much over the bills and stuff and how we will make it whenever I have to take leave for six weeks whenever the baby is born. He wanted to get a part time job along with handling the full time job he has now which is honestly too much to put on somebody! It made me feel bad because I get mad at myself because I don't do as much as I can ..I mean yeah okay so I'm pregnant but hey that don't mean I am disabled and can't work more. I only get right now usually two or three days worht of work and not the full eight hour shifts but just usually six hours! I know i am capable of working more..I mean i really need the money to help out on saving and paying the bills we have ..and even though i only have 13 more weeks left I know i can work up until the moment I pop! Us moving here to Springdale has really made me and Kyle haver to grow up a lot faster than we would of..especailly since we have a baby on the way and we ahve lived over here for six months now! Also since we have lived here we have definitely grown on each other which is awesome...in Stilwell we were always argueing and fighting because of the drama there and the crap people would say! Over here we live together which is awesome and I totally love it,we're always together and I have learned so much about Kyle since we have lived here and I love it because we are more open with each other!I know that things will be tough and hard whenever our baby girl gets here and I know we will be very busy but as soon as my first three weeks are up I am definitely looking for a better job and I know things will get better for us.Everyhting you go through in life happens for a reason and I know me being with Kyle and having our baby was meant to happen to open our eye's to the good things in life and yeah sure we'll have rough times throughout our entire live's but they will always work out!

A nightmare with a twist that I can't anwser!

You know how it feels when you have a nightmare that you can't control and when you wake up from it you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs but you freeze up? I had a nightmare a few nights ago now that made me wake up like that and it wasn't just the nightmare that scared me..it was the part of my dream where I got to see my brother and talk to him! In my dream it started out I was in a two story house and i was runnin from some guy who was chasing me and I remember I ran up the stairs and ran to the bathroom..but as soon as I opened the bathroom door I saw my brother, he was in the shower and when he seen me he poked his head out and asked me "you still love me don't you"..I told him "yes i do ..why?"..he just looked at me and smiled and said "I was just making sure"! I remember in my dream he just stood there while I hugged him and just stared at his beautiful smile that I have missed seeing so much! But no sooner did I look him in the face I was right back in my nightmare, I was in my apartment laying on the bed with Kyle and I was seeing hands from our dryer and people floating above our back window in the closet area. We ran outside and when I closed the door behind us I looked over by the ledge and seen a cat holding it's paw out to me and I don't know why but my first reaction was to ask the cat "who are you" and the cat just kept it's paw out and said.."Bam" And all I could say was " your not Bam!" and thats when I woke up and I staring looking around the house and I wanted so bad to scream out loud and just start balling but I couldn't for some reason..I just looked down and saw kyle asleep so I laid back down beside him. I was so scared to fall asleep after that!I keep thinking back on that dream and wondering why it had to be that way..why did I get to see Bam only for a split moment..Is he trying to tell me something? I called my sister to tell her about my dream and I finally broke down last night telling her the dream. I didn't think it was fair that the very first dream I had of my brother had to be in my nightmare! I really wanted to know the anwser but I know that nobody can teel me why it was that way..except for maybe Bam..I think he was simply trying to let me know that He's still with me and checking up on me to see if I still love him even though he's not around. I still do think of him and wonder about him. I know now that he is still here and that he watches all of us and he may not get to talk to us very much but I finally realize that he can still talk to us and tell us little things in our dreams to let us know he will always be there for us.We went to his grveside on christmas to see him..me,candice,chance,jerod, and david. Just to tell him hi and that we miss him, we didn't stay there very long but looking at his grave bohters me sometimes but i still don't wanna take it all the way in my heart that he is actually gone and I won't ever get to hug him again or anything...but I know now that I can do all of that in my dreams when he comes to me. I think his spirit isn't completely gone from htis life..I believe now that he is lingering behind in this life some to watch out for us when we need him and when he see's that we are loosing all hope and faith! I was scared of my nightmare at first but now I am glad that it happened because I got a moment alone with my brother to let him know I still love him and always will. Things happen to us in life that sometimes we can not anwser to why they happen, but I am beginning to realize that there are some things in life that you just have to experience yourself to see the meaning behind them all. I love you always Bam and will always have you in my heart and I will never forget you bubba!