TOMORROW IS A BIG DAY FOR TWO REASONS!!

WELL....tomorrow is a really big day for a very important reasons! FIRST OF ALL... it is !BAMS! BIRHTDAY!! How could I be so selfish and plan an event on my brothers birthday!! He will be 20 years old tomorrow and instead of celebrating it with us down here he will be in heaven with God celebrating it!




Being here without him is really different now knowing that we won't get to party with him ever again or have him blow out birthday candles ever again!I pray that everyone will be careful when out at his graveside tomorrow night partying it up..I hope to go out there before everyone else and just hve a alone moment with him before I leave stilwell..I am scared to even think about going back to his grave again to talk to him! It always seemed like when we needed someone to talk to the most he was always right there to hear us out! Just like a teddy bear to break our falls whenever we would break down and cry..I will never forget the last night that just me and him alone stayed up until it was daylight just talking and laughing away the night..we locked ourselves in the room and hid from everybody just to get away from the noise..seemed like he always had the anwsers to the problems I had..he saved me when nobody else could..he was truly an angel. And now it's his first birthday that he won't be here for us to celebrate it face to face with him which breaks my heart! I looked at his picture earlier I wanted to just scream but I knew that he wouldn't want to see tears rolling down my cheeks..he would wanna see a big smile on my face instead!HAPPY BIRHTDAY BROTHER!!!THE MEMORY OF YOU WILL FOREVER BE IN MY HEART AND WILL FOREVER GO ON..I WILL NEVER FORGET YOUR SMILE OR THE WAY YOU USEST TO DO YOUR GOOFY DANCE WHEN YOU THOUGHT NOBODY WAS WATCHING YOU LOL..I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!
Also tomorrow is our very first baby shower for Sydney Joy and I am actually nervous because I want it to go smoothly with no problems at all..I hope alot of people will actually show up and be there to celebrate her coming into this world soon! She is truly a blessing from God..everyday I can feel her kick and move around lol..she makes me smile all the time when we haven't even met face to face yet!! I LOVE IT!! AND I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL SHE ARRIVES AND I GET TO HOLD HER AND SEE HER FOR THE FIRST TIME!I know it will be a rough day for my family but I know everything will work out just fine..for both reasons!

Just....I don't know!

Today is Valentine's day and for some reason it's a different kind of valentines day than the rest I have had. I have gained new love for people and I have lost some to God who took some of the ones I love..Like my bubba ..I wish he was still here all the time and I think no one can know the type of heartache you carry on your heart until they have actually lost a sibling they loved and adored so much..I thought hte other night when me and kyle went to the hospital how much I do dread having sydney..just because I really wanted my whole family there and I wont' have that now that Shane is gone and I wish he was still her..but than I realized that he WILL be there with us all..I know we won't be able to see him but I know when she arrives he will be looking down on us and will see how beautiful she is and how much we all miss him! Me and Kyle the other night went out to the movies which was fun because it was somehting we had been needing to do for a while now! It put us both in a really good mood and I was VERY HAPPY becuase it was just a night of me and him! lol..he is truly one person that makes me super duper happy and I know that he will be a good daddy..lol he cracks me up..especailly when he goof off like in this picture..

lol he always makes me smile which I love to death!!I know that life will only get better from here on out ..and yeah we may have some troubling times through this journey we call life but I know we will be fine!

Finally figuring things out..

Well today was a really rough day at first but I am glad to say it worked out for the best.Me and kyle ending up having to go to the doctor today because I have been having some serious pains. Come to find out our little girl could be ready to meet us sooner than we thought lol!I know I still have 8 weeks befroe my actual due date but I believe she is going to grace us with her presence sooner than that. She is a very healthy baby which makes me happy because it let's me know the things I have been doing weren't harming her but simply making it easier for her to get here.I can't wait to meet her and see what she looks like for the first time..:) I know she will be a very pretty little girl and will take after both me and her daddy...she just needs to give us a few more weeks that way we can get ready for her arrival, for instance we still have to get the baby bed and carseat and pretty much everyhting and have our baby showers so we will definatly be ready when she gets here!I can feel her move around all the time now and sometimes I will just lay in bed late at night and play with here and see how hard she will kick me. I know she can hear my vioce and everybody else now, Especailly her daddys and her aunt tiffanys vioce since we are always around each other.She has a lot of people waiting patiently to meet her and I am definatly the biggest fan of hers lol..I just hope she doesn't hurt her mama when she is coming out lol...I wanna endure the pain for her but I don't want it to be brutal. I know that in the end It will al work out for the best!