A nightmare with a twist that I can't anwser!

You know how it feels when you have a nightmare that you can't control and when you wake up from it you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs but you freeze up? I had a nightmare a few nights ago now that made me wake up like that and it wasn't just the nightmare that scared me..it was the part of my dream where I got to see my brother and talk to him! In my dream it started out I was in a two story house and i was runnin from some guy who was chasing me and I remember I ran up the stairs and ran to the bathroom..but as soon as I opened the bathroom door I saw my brother, he was in the shower and when he seen me he poked his head out and asked me "you still love me don't you"..I told him "yes i do ..why?"..he just looked at me and smiled and said "I was just making sure"! I remember in my dream he just stood there while I hugged him and just stared at his beautiful smile that I have missed seeing so much! But no sooner did I look him in the face I was right back in my nightmare, I was in my apartment laying on the bed with Kyle and I was seeing hands from our dryer and people floating above our back window in the closet area. We ran outside and when I closed the door behind us I looked over by the ledge and seen a cat holding it's paw out to me and I don't know why but my first reaction was to ask the cat "who are you" and the cat just kept it's paw out and said.."Bam" And all I could say was " your not Bam!" and thats when I woke up and I staring looking around the house and I wanted so bad to scream out loud and just start balling but I couldn't for some reason..I just looked down and saw kyle asleep so I laid back down beside him. I was so scared to fall asleep after that!I keep thinking back on that dream and wondering why it had to be that way..why did I get to see Bam only for a split moment..Is he trying to tell me something? I called my sister to tell her about my dream and I finally broke down last night telling her the dream. I didn't think it was fair that the very first dream I had of my brother had to be in my nightmare! I really wanted to know the anwser but I know that nobody can teel me why it was that way..except for maybe Bam..I think he was simply trying to let me know that He's still with me and checking up on me to see if I still love him even though he's not around. I still do think of him and wonder about him. I know now that he is still here and that he watches all of us and he may not get to talk to us very much but I finally realize that he can still talk to us and tell us little things in our dreams to let us know he will always be there for us.We went to his grveside on christmas to see him..me,candice,chance,jerod, and david. Just to tell him hi and that we miss him, we didn't stay there very long but looking at his grave bohters me sometimes but i still don't wanna take it all the way in my heart that he is actually gone and I won't ever get to hug him again or anything...but I know now that I can do all of that in my dreams when he comes to me. I think his spirit isn't completely gone from htis life..I believe now that he is lingering behind in this life some to watch out for us when we need him and when he see's that we are loosing all hope and faith! I was scared of my nightmare at first but now I am glad that it happened because I got a moment alone with my brother to let him know I still love him and always will. Things happen to us in life that sometimes we can not anwser to why they happen, but I am beginning to realize that there are some things in life that you just have to experience yourself to see the meaning behind them all. I love you always Bam and will always have you in my heart and I will never forget you bubba!

So many changes

Well I haven't wrote on my blog in a very long time now..not since I wrote about Bam months ago. I thought I would jsut update it a little. Life has been going good the past few months and me and kyle are finally getting on our feet alot better than we we're before, thanks to family helping us alot lol. Me and some of my family members haven't been getting along the way we should but i honestly get tired of fighting with my family and just wish they would all grow up sometimes.because i mean honestly it sometimes to me seems sad when i'm the youngest out of all of my siblings and for some reason they always think i'm the one who relys on our parents when my parents pay for everything all of them have..I got tired of relying on them whenever I was younger because instead of me needing thier help they always asked me for mine but thats not important to me anymore, I have my on family to worry about taking care of. Me and Kyle only have three more months until our daughter Sydney arrives and we are super excited..I want to hold her so bad but I know that we ahve to be patient and wait until she is ready to enter this world..but i wish she would hurry sometimes. lol..This christmas will be mine and Kyle's first christmas together which to me is a really another first of our many memories that we still have yet to have.lol We both couldn't wait until christmas to give each other our presents..I spent the most money on him than i have ever spent on somebody but i got him all things he asked me for and he got me all of mine!He is truly the love of my life and I know i have said it a million times but it's amazing to me because when I was a little girl I always wondered who I would end up with and I know now that I found that one!

Life only seems to get better whenever you least eexpect it to get that way...I know when the baby arrives the first six weeks will be very stressful and tiring and financially a little rough because i won't be able to work and help kyle but I know it will get better as soon as those weeks are up and I can go back to work.i know it will all be worht it because we will have our baby here in our arms and she is worht it all!

So many changes

The worst day of my life!

You know when you get that feeling that something terrible is about to happen but you really don't know what it is? Well i got that feeling about a week ago and real early Sunday morning I woke up to hear the most unbearable news I could ever hear.It was my oldest brother David calling to tell me that my other brother Shane was in a car wreck and he had died!!Now what are you suppose to say or even do when you hang up the phone from hearing the worst news you could possibly hear at 5:00 in the morning..I couldn't speak!I layed there in shock for a moment because well honestly i didn't want to believe it! I mean come on it's BAM BAM..one of the coolest brothers a girl could ever have..from the way he laughed to the way he smiled.lol even his little goofy dance he did when no one was looking at him. He was truly an amazing person who i will always remember and Love with all of my heart! I remember one night staying up super duper late in december when i went to visit all of them in sallisaw and it was just me and dorky brother bam up laughing our heads off and telling each other really serouis stuff like the kinda stuff you let no one else ever know about! He was a brother that can't ever be replaced! I went to view his body today thinking I could handle it but I broke down like I have never done before..looking at him was the worst idea ever..he didn't even look like the Bam I remembered in my heart and mind, He was different than I remembered. But either way I will always miss him no matter what and tomorrow at the funeral I plan to be strong and hold my head up high for him. I worry so much now about my other three brothers , especially Travis and Big Boy..they are having the hardest time out of all of us dealing with Bams death and I worry that i will loose them too but I know that Bam will protect them. Kyles family has tried to help me tremendously but honestly nothing could help me except to see his pretty smile and face again!!When you loose someone yeah you want comfort from people but sometimes its too hard to want or need help to grieve over the one you lost.Sunday I had this heavy pain on my heart..like it had dropped to the floor and i couldn't bring it back up.I couldn't except the fact that he was gone and I still can't, I don't want too.I am holding on to all the memories I have of him and won't ever let them fade away from my heart! On the way to Kyles grandmas house the Avril Lavigne song "when your gone" came on the radio and I had to stop the car because i couldn't handle the pain in my heart and all the tears that were rolling down my cheeks,I couldn't take it! Kyles family did thier best to cheer me up but I just cried even more..and I love and thank them for being there when I needed them the most, especailly Kyle.All I know is I will never be able to get rid of the pain that lingers in my heart where no one else can see it, It will always be there and I will never forget Shane Charles "Bam Bam" Watie, he was one of the most amazing people and the awesomest brother ever and I know he will always be watching over all of us no matter where we are at in this world..he will never leave us for he is always in our hearts!
IN LOVING MEMORY OF SHANE CHARLES "BAM BAM" WATIE!!!! I LOVE YOU BROTHER AND ALWAYS WILL REMEMBER YOU!!!

I've learned my lesson

I finally learned my lesson on how not to do things even when your seriously desperate and need the money or the help.I had to get a loan a while back which was split between me and two of my family members and I realized now that I forgot about it until my family reminded me about the payment. I finally told kyle which i was scared crapless to do because i have kept it from him for so long and i was scared he would be really really mad at me for it which he wasn't mad he actually calmed me down and told me how to handle it. I never realized how supportive he is for me..Its crazy because when i think he will get mad he doesn't and I know theres times that he should be mad. but i guess in the end all things will work out and i really shouldn't worry as much as i do because in the end it will all work out.

Random thoughts on the baby!

Well I know i still have six more months until the baby arrives which is fine by me but I also wish that the baby would hurry up and get here so that way I can love on him or her..lol not exactly for sure yet what the baby is. But anyways I have been waiting patiently for the past three months and I can't wait any longer..lol..I wish I had a three-d ultra sound of the abay so I will know exactly what our baby will look like when its born. I keep wondering if it will have my eyes or kyles, or whether it will look like me or kyle in the face..which I hope it looks like kyle in the face because for a guy he is very pretty in the face.I hope if its a boy it has his body figure and if its a girl I hope she has my body figure. These are only a few of the thoughts that have crossed my mind here within the past week..lol crazy..not really i think its just the thoughts that every other soon to be mommy has.we ahve a doctors appiontment coming up in a few weeks on the 26th, it will be our second one!!YAH!!lol..I'm super glad that Tiffany gets to go with us to this one also because if not I know I would be really nervous and I need her there to make sure that kyle stays calm and don't panic and also to make sure that i don't panic as well.I really wish that Jenn could go with us but she has school and its hard when you miss a day at stilwell high school, especially when you miss 7 classes with homework!!But anyways I was thinking today about how much I wish my family would get involved in this the way that kyles family has,The last time I went down to see my daddy I got to see him for about an hour and then he had to leave to go meet some people for the church..which I know it might sound a bit selfish but those people could have waited atleast a few more hours to be seen so I could atleast for once since I moved out see my daddy when i drove all the way down there just to visit him because well i freaking miss him!!AAHHHH!! I guess I should look on the bright side I mean hey atleast i got to visit with my Step-mom For the time I was down..She seemed more interested than dad did at the time..but maybe thats because daddy hardly ever shows his feelings to people. I think I have seen that man cry maybe three times in my life!!But back to my main point..The BABY!! All i know is that the day my water breaks all of my family better haul butt to siloam springs hospital to be with me on one of the happiest days of my life!!

A week without my baby

Ok so I only thought life could get even tougher but than it did!!Kyle had to go to conway county for a week for jailer training and i'm totally NOT loving this! I couldn't sleep very good last night because he wasn't laying next to me the way he always is when I go to bed which made me sad and wanna cry but I held in the tears because I know he was probably feeling the exact same way that I was last night. I mean yeah I atleast get to talk to him on the phone every night fo r about five to ten minutes which helps me even better because I get to hear his vioce. The day that he left for conway county I wrote him a note and snuck it into one of his bags along with a picture of me and him so that way he would have something to remind him of me and him together and also so he would know that I would be right here waiting for him whenever he gets back, I really hope that he realizes how much I love him with all of my heart and soul and I would love to spend the rest of my life with him!! While he's gone I'm staying with Tiffany and billy so that way Kyle will be able to talk to me everynight on the phone or online. Also so that way he knows I'm not alone and won't get hurt and the baby won't get hurt in my tummy either.But I can't wait until friday afternoon whenever kyle gets to come home so I can give him a big oh hug and kiss because I miss him!!