A stressful week..But I won't let it bring me down!

So this past week has been pretty darn stressful and really hard to cope with in alot of ways.Kyle, Tiffany, and me moved into our new two bedroom townhome and I love it but I admit it was a very stressful move for us all. I love living with both of them and I am so glad that Tiffany will not be alone here in springdale living by herself..that part really scared me because I know it gets lonely ya know, but I'm glad she lives with us and we can be assure that she is okay everyday now! My best friend Shannon finally had her baby, She had a little girl and named ger Ryleigh Deneah Miller! It's so crazy to call her a mommy because we are so young still and I can remember like it was just yesterday..me and her walking through the halls in high school talking about how cool and wierd it would be if we were both to become mommy's at the same time and how exciting it would be. Which is crazy because last May When we graduated she found out she was already a month pregnant and didn't realize it lol, and then just a few months later I found I was and it seemed like everyhting we imagined was happening to us lol! I went to Stilwell last sunday to see her and the baby since I hadn't got to yet and I ran into some old friends..and now I wish I hadn't even went all the way into Stilwell because know I regret it because it has caused me some problems. And I know I desreved to be bitched I for not remebering to tell that I had seen them but I honestly didn't remember after I went and seen Shannon and the baby!But I have just learned to let it go and I wish that nobody would bring it up agian because I already hate myself for it and really doubt i will ever wanna go to that town again!I mean I told the truth and I have nothing to hide about it and I hope that people will believe me instead of believing what they hear from others.I have a baby on the way that will be here in two months and I seriously don't have time to stress over something like that, I already stress every damn day about how I will be able to help Klye and tiffany out now since I barely even work except for maybe four days a week and how I can still make enough each week to pay my personal things without having to ask for help. I have so much on my mind here lately and I don't want to lose one of the three most important people in my life because of all of this shit.All I know is I am tired of stressing so much so I am just going to stop worrying so much about it and just let it take care of itself the way it usually does because in my opinion that is all I can do really.

"Cherish what you love the most..for one day it will be gone."

Sadness over whelms my heart at times...I get that lonely feeling now at moments because I know you are gone forever...When I am alone at times for a plit second I drown myself in tears staring at pictures of you knowing that I can not bring you back..I know this is a test from God to see how strong we really are...He wants us to see how precious life really is and how much we should cherish the moments we have for all we know in a split second someone we know and love can be taken from us in the blink of an eye...some say it is us merely being punished when the one's we love are being taken from us..except I believe each time a loved one passes on it is a lesson given to us from God...We learn somehting new each time..I have learned that we must be strong and brave for the sake of others around us..that if we need to cry..cry when others are not around so nobody see's your weakness except for you and the Lord above..I have learned over the years to hide my pain from others and to smile when it is needed..Although the one's we love will one day pass on and leave us behind here on earth..we must remember to always tell them how much we love them and care for them..I realize now thats the one thing I lacked and now it is too late to tell them face to face just how much I loved them...I can only tell them in my dreams..Cherish the people in your life you care for the most.. there's a reason they are in your life!

Moments where things get rough..but the best is yet to come"

Well today started out as a very rough day between me and Kyle but we eventually worked things out. We stress so much over the bills and stuff and how we will make it whenever I have to take leave for six weeks whenever the baby is born. He wanted to get a part time job along with handling the full time job he has now which is honestly too much to put on somebody! It made me feel bad because I get mad at myself because I don't do as much as I can ..I mean yeah okay so I'm pregnant but hey that don't mean I am disabled and can't work more. I only get right now usually two or three days worht of work and not the full eight hour shifts but just usually six hours! I know i am capable of working more..I mean i really need the money to help out on saving and paying the bills we have ..and even though i only have 13 more weeks left I know i can work up until the moment I pop! Us moving here to Springdale has really made me and Kyle haver to grow up a lot faster than we would of..especailly since we have a baby on the way and we ahve lived over here for six months now! Also since we have lived here we have definitely grown on each other which is awesome...in Stilwell we were always argueing and fighting because of the drama there and the crap people would say! Over here we live together which is awesome and I totally love it,we're always together and I have learned so much about Kyle since we have lived here and I love it because we are more open with each other!I know that things will be tough and hard whenever our baby girl gets here and I know we will be very busy but as soon as my first three weeks are up I am definitely looking for a better job and I know things will get better for us.Everyhting you go through in life happens for a reason and I know me being with Kyle and having our baby was meant to happen to open our eye's to the good things in life and yeah sure we'll have rough times throughout our entire live's but they will always work out!

A nightmare with a twist that I can't anwser!

You know how it feels when you have a nightmare that you can't control and when you wake up from it you just wanna scream at the top of your lungs but you freeze up? I had a nightmare a few nights ago now that made me wake up like that and it wasn't just the nightmare that scared me..it was the part of my dream where I got to see my brother and talk to him! In my dream it started out I was in a two story house and i was runnin from some guy who was chasing me and I remember I ran up the stairs and ran to the bathroom..but as soon as I opened the bathroom door I saw my brother, he was in the shower and when he seen me he poked his head out and asked me "you still love me don't you"..I told him "yes i do ..why?"..he just looked at me and smiled and said "I was just making sure"! I remember in my dream he just stood there while I hugged him and just stared at his beautiful smile that I have missed seeing so much! But no sooner did I look him in the face I was right back in my nightmare, I was in my apartment laying on the bed with Kyle and I was seeing hands from our dryer and people floating above our back window in the closet area. We ran outside and when I closed the door behind us I looked over by the ledge and seen a cat holding it's paw out to me and I don't know why but my first reaction was to ask the cat "who are you" and the cat just kept it's paw out and said.."Bam" And all I could say was " your not Bam!" and thats when I woke up and I staring looking around the house and I wanted so bad to scream out loud and just start balling but I couldn't for some reason..I just looked down and saw kyle asleep so I laid back down beside him. I was so scared to fall asleep after that!I keep thinking back on that dream and wondering why it had to be that way..why did I get to see Bam only for a split moment..Is he trying to tell me something? I called my sister to tell her about my dream and I finally broke down last night telling her the dream. I didn't think it was fair that the very first dream I had of my brother had to be in my nightmare! I really wanted to know the anwser but I know that nobody can teel me why it was that way..except for maybe Bam..I think he was simply trying to let me know that He's still with me and checking up on me to see if I still love him even though he's not around. I still do think of him and wonder about him. I know now that he is still here and that he watches all of us and he may not get to talk to us very much but I finally realize that he can still talk to us and tell us little things in our dreams to let us know he will always be there for us.We went to his grveside on christmas to see him..me,candice,chance,jerod, and david. Just to tell him hi and that we miss him, we didn't stay there very long but looking at his grave bohters me sometimes but i still don't wanna take it all the way in my heart that he is actually gone and I won't ever get to hug him again or anything...but I know now that I can do all of that in my dreams when he comes to me. I think his spirit isn't completely gone from htis life..I believe now that he is lingering behind in this life some to watch out for us when we need him and when he see's that we are loosing all hope and faith! I was scared of my nightmare at first but now I am glad that it happened because I got a moment alone with my brother to let him know I still love him and always will. Things happen to us in life that sometimes we can not anwser to why they happen, but I am beginning to realize that there are some things in life that you just have to experience yourself to see the meaning behind them all. I love you always Bam and will always have you in my heart and I will never forget you bubba!